GCMA co-designer Vicki Jarnis shares a deeply personal reflection on what makes a home. As Vicki writes below, her late mother Grigoria’s home went to the very heart of her being.
My mother’s home was more than her castle. Much more.
It was her neighbourhood, her “yitonia”, her source of community. A place where her friends and neighbours would drop past daily for a coffee and a chat. A gathering place for her children and grandchildren to come together, regularly, much like worker bees swarming to the queen bee. It was a place where she was mistress of her universe, where she tended her garden and ran her household, in whatever way she chose at whatever time she chose.
She had hoped to live out her life, independently and autonomously, in this environment, and, with the help and support of her children and carers (whom she referred to as her adopted daughters), she was able to do that until the last 13 days of her life.
My late mother, Grigoria, was an early Greek Australian immigrant woman, part of the post-World War II wave of migration to Australia. Like many of her generation, she came from an impoverished (predominantly rural) and war stricken background and had limited education. She wanted something different for her children, particularly for her daughters. Devoted to her children, she worked hard, suffered considerably, and sacrificed a lot to raise her four children and give them all the opportunities that had been denied her.
“Old age is celebrated and honoured and, generally, Greek families care for their elderly.”
As her health failed in her later years, the night falls and emergency calls in the middle of the night increased in frequency, as did admissions to emergency hospital departments. The increasing severity of her frailty and her decreasing mobility meant that there was much she could no longer do for herself. As her needs changed the family agreed that mum could no longer live alone and that she would need to move in with one of us.
Convincing her of that was another matter. A fiercely independent woman all her adult life, she found it exceedingly difficult to accept leaving her home and moving in with one of her children. In part, she feared becoming a burden. At another level, she had to grieve a number of losses, many of which she could not articulate; the realisation that ‘youth’ had been lost and that from hereon should would be reliant on others to do everything for her; the loss of a sense of purpose; and the sense of no longer being of use to anyone.
My mother did not place cultural expectations on her children to reciprocate the care she had given them earlier. However, they all felt a duty and obligation, born out of love, to do just that.
Family is important in the Greek culture and respect for elders is central to the family. Old age is celebrated and honoured and, generally, Greek families care for their elderly. When I built a new home around the time that mum’s health was deteriorating, I built with her in mind.
As the eldest child in my family, I knew my mother was likely to move in with me when the time came. I considered it my duty to care for my mother in her time of need and I was in a position to make that commitment to look after her at home. Culturally, it is seen as a shameful and dishonourable thing to be put into an aged care facility.
Mum was one of the lucky ones. For the last three and a half years of her life when she was no longer able to live on her own, she lived with me. My sister lived next door and my youngest brother spent time with her every day. These years brought mum much joy as she enjoyed the home, with all its comforts, surrounded by family.
She lived for 87 years and 8 months and many would say she had a long life, but we would have liked to have had her with us for many years to come.
Saying goodbye to a person who was so dearly loved is never easy no matter their age. We have always been inspired by mum’s fighting spirit and she lived her last days as she had lived her life, with formidable strength until the very end. It is comforting to us all to know that mum’s wish of never having to go into a nursing home was granted.
